Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises

Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!

[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.

Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow

Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

“Remember Robert from work?”

Yeah..he was a douche.

“He died.”

WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!

ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary

WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body

Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*

Jesus: what?

Judas: what?

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something

My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

shampoo implies shampee