Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
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cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
I told my 8 year old son, “There’s something so special about you. Since you’re my last baby, you will always be mommy’s baby to me.”
To which he replied, “God I hope so. Aren’t you pushing 50?”
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to treat grizzly bears unless it’s been given a STRONG anesthetic, proving true the old adage that…
There’s safety in numb-bears.