Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
him: you any good at throwing axes
me: just call me lizzie borden
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”