Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Morning my dudes.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.