Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Go to the liquor store and rescue and few bottles of wine, they need a living home too.
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
starting my period on election day because i’m a true patriot who bleeds for this country
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.