Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.

I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Breaking news:

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

Size matters

– me, when alcohol is being poured

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”