Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
If I was a marriage counselor, I would make the couple each use ANY dating app for 2 minutes.
just pretend nothing happened
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.