Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this
Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
*seductively eats two tums*
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
I still have dents in my head from sleeping in hair curlers
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”