Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

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MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors


My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.


*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”


I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.


Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business


The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment


Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*


I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.


The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.