It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening
I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. “Biff”?? “Happy”?? Dude, take five more minutes.
Cant stop watching this
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Me: Then, no.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.