Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
You Might Also Like
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight