Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

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It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.


The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening


I got hit by a car today, guys. Don’t worry. I’m okay. It just grazed me, ripped my cargo pants pocket clean off, egg rolls everywhere.


*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now


Arthur Miller underratedly sucked at naming characters. “Biff”?? “Happy”?? Dude, take five more minutes.


Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.


Me: Would you remarry if I died?

Wife: Yes.

Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?

Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?


Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review


Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.