@JamesonN7

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

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@TheToddWilliams

MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors

@IamEveryDayPpl

My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.

@NicestHippo

*writes “with my squad” under a picture of me and several cats”

@RandiLawson

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

@tastefactory

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

@dumbbeezie

The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment

@jctwritesstuff

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

@pinupteacher

I’m at my most pacman when I try and get to the snack table at a party without interacting with a single person.

@Dani_Feld

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.