Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
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Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.