Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

britain’s three elite institutions

Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan

[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby

Good morning!

Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.

Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.

🤣🤣🤣

Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.

*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.

Free will was a bad idea.

I should have charged for it.

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames

[run into an old classmate]

Them: You’ve gained a little weight.

Me: You’ve stayed ugly.

A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals

Qtips don’t just fall in the bathroom trash can they bounce right out on the floor according to my 23 yr old daughter

i actually laughed 😩

When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no

I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.