Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.

Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.

“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.

This is my emotional support yacht 🎀

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for Twitter

Will it be

Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?

Be prepared

The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*

me: i’m not afraid of death

[2 mins later : stubs toe]

also me: OMG I’M DYING

A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.

I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

And we’re off! To an unreasonable start

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.

Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly

Me:

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…