Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
this is uni
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Taiwanese Parliament member reportedly stole a bill and ran away with it to stop it from being passed
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.