Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
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Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs