Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Monopoly gave me unrealistic expectations of how easy it would be to:
1) Find free parking
2) Join the property ladder
3) Buy my way out of prison
4) Get bank errors in my favour
5) Steal money from banks when no-one was looking
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*