Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.

Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

Now, where’s the sport in that?

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

Yep.

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂

Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

why does this building look like a guilty dog

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.

When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!

Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons

5: Dad, can you get me pasta?

Me: Ah, we don’t have any.

5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.

If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.

Be vigilant

Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.