Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
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If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
bad news gang
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
[Checking into hotel]
WIFE: Please tell me you didn’t use your stupid alter ego name when book-
ME: Reservation for Troy Awesomesauce please
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!