Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
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[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
Just heard a person at the thrift store ask for something in a different size…
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends