Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
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JESUS: *descends from heaven* HELLO-
ME: question
JESUS: I-
ME: do the cars from the movie Cars have sex?
JESUS: *ascends back into heaven*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Gemma Correll
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked