Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
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Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Be nice to a nerd. Prevent a supervillain.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
Ken is short for chicken
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr