Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses

My zodiac sign is pistachio

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.

Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.

I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.

If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.

My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”

Life: “That’ll be $200.”

We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.

We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*

Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?

3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

i still think about this 10yr old post a lot

[aliens making first contact]

Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses

*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*

*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*

Hunting for buried treasure but it’s just me cleaning underneath my couches

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

COP: pull over

ME: lol no it’s a cardigan

KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time