Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

Diet diary, day 3

I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.

But the cup cakes were amazing.

[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

I love reading newspaper websites. The screen refreshing on its own 3 times in quick succession, the text disappearing halfway down the article, a random video advert suddenly filling the screen, the whole page unexpectedly closing for no reason. Great experience.

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”

– Me, to my coffee

(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)

9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?

Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm

9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)

Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?

Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!

ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out

[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.

*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*

Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

every video on here is a staged fight called something like “Was the Nurse Right to Yell at the Patient🤔” with 1.3M comments that say “imho if I were the nurse i would yell at the patient”

Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car

Me: I have no choice, there is no other way

*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*

You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.

I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.