Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonight

DATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not

Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”

My kids, after they’ve said they’re full, “but our dessert stomach is empty!”

Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward

What a sturdy clavicle you have.

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter

Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.

GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill

And now…a ‘joke’.

Why was the demon in hospital?

It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew

nurse: what mountain dew

me: it was on the bathroom counter

nurse: omg

me: what

nurse: u drank my mountain dew

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?