Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
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When I grow up, I want to be 16
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
They’re stuck in your pants?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
me
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.