Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
You Might Also Like
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Thursday
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
beware of dog
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I’m not trying to tell you young brothers how to sell ya demo tapes, but those people charging their Tesla in public can’t go anywhere for 15 to 20 minutes. Just walk up and start freestyling. Freestyle to enough Tesla owners sooner or later you hittin somebody in the industry.