Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit

Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february

Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.

I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.

Why my coworker hates me:

He sends meeting invite for 2pm.

I propose new time of 2:03.

He revises, sends update.

I decline meeting.

My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?

Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.