Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.

—How do you care for your mental health?

Me with my best frens:

DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL

AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.

Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?

It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue