Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!

Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?

[Breakfast]

My Wife: What are you doing?

Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?

“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal

After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.

If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.

Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.

When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

Acronyms got me like WTF?

You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….

And it’s 8:25 p.m.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to

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Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.