Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips

My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.

GRAVES.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter

It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.

Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.

Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

tell em, edith-anne

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

[dinner at my parents’]

my gf: thank you for having me

me: they’re not your parents weirdo

I downloaded a Canadian true crime podcast and the first episode was about a guy who ordered a dozen doughnuts at Tim Hortons, but he received 13 instead… And he didn’t tell anybody.

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?

me:

taco:

me:

taco:

me: he’s shy.