Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩

No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent

When people ask “Are you high right now?”

It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.

A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened

[Taken 26]

Abductor: I have your great granddaughter

LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago

We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.

me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:

When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.

Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

and here i thought that donuts only cured sadness

People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Captain: Did you break the sonar again?

Me: Yessir. I’m sorry

Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings

The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums

I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.

What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.