Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.

This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.

wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep

My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”

My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.

FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?

ME: Nah, just one at a time

I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: I turn positives into negatives.

Confessor X: Oh.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.

Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.

I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.

just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics

One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”

– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]

I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car

I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*