Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”