Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
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farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
shut up and take my money
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.