Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

Me: what’s in these shots

Doctor: buddy I just work here

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

my dad has had enough

doctor: do you use recreational drugs?

me: no

doctor: you don’t have to lie to me

me: yeah i know, but i like to

I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.

Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*

Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me

Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!

Me:

Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

me: I invited my boss to dinner

her: I thought you hated him

me: I didn’t have any choice

my boss: should I leave?

Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?

Me: Oh no!

Wife: What?

Me: Bankruptsea!

Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff

Customer: can I get some bacon

Me: sure

Customer: can you make it fatty

Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make

Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them