If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
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Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Selfie
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.