Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

So my husband grew up on a rural cattle farm, and later became a massive history buff.

He recently decided to invest hours of research into tracing his family line all the way back to 15th century Sweden:

— where they were all rural cattle farmers.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]

Mortician: we’re gonna need that back

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.

Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”

My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Facebook-

You: Going to a concert tonight!

Friend: Sweet, what concert?

Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO

[first day as a tsa agent]

me: arms up

guy: [t-pose]

me: [hugs him] you have a great flight

Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”

Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.

If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct