Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
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Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH