Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
You Might Also Like
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
7: I’m beating you!
Me: Ok.
7: I’m way ahead!
Me: I see that.
7: I’m gonna win!
Me:….
My son on the carousel horse in front of me.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.