Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
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Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
stop complaining about your life. There are literally people living in Iowa.
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.