Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
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Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
Got ya covered
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.