Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
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The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
oh my gosh!!
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.