Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
*Gets called into HR
Me: What was I accused of now?
HR: I haven’t had any sexual harassment claims against you lately. Is everything ok?
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Okay, I’m still confused…
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?