Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
The odds of being killed by a shark are 1 in 3,748,067. So if you know 3,748,066 people who haven’t been killed by a shark: avoid the ocean.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!