Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
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I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Scientists hard at work to find out what the other 98% of 2% milk is: “Probably not bees,” says one scientist. “Dear god what if it’s bees?”
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.