Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

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LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page


Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?


I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.


Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.


For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.


I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?


I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.


I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…


Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”


My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant