@useful_wagon

Of course I swallow it’s a basic function of eating. What kind of job interview is this anyway and why are there multiple cameras

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@imskytrash

LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page

@Darlainky

Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?

@FeralCrone

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

@TomTheWicked

Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.

@RunOldMan

For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.

@angeliav68

I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?

@JohnLyonTweets

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

@breakfastbeerz

Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”

@better_off_dad2

My tweets are not to be taken:

• Literally
• Seriously
• Personally
• If you are pregnant or trying to become pregnant