I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
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WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Batman v Dracula
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.