Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
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I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
Hot hot hot 🥵
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
Me: *on phone booking place on commercial space flight* “Yeah just a one-way ticket, please… You don’t? Uhhh so okay make it a return but can you drop me off on the moon or something? … Hello? Hello-o???”
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.