Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Worst Native American name ever.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free