Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gender is a sprctrum

“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.

She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?

I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.

Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?

Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

[first guy to be sent to hell]

guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.

Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.

[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.