Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
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Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
I feel it
This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Are you a hero about to fight some baddies? Here are some battle cry ideas to strike fear into your enemies’ hearts:
* Hot buttery death!
* HR will hear about this!
* I’m as strong as fifty men and as crazy as a thousand raccoons!
* Brenda!
* Don’t hit me! I’m telling Mom!
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.