Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

PRODUCER: You mean a choir?

ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.

Just rescued a fly from my wine and put him on a napkin to dry and he dried off and flew straight back into the glass

guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.

guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car

I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.

All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.

Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

Where is your GOD now????

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*

*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day

[mall]

Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.

*looks in purse*

*waves at testicles*

Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!

Succinctly put.

in 3 months

Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!

Someone call 911!

She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.

Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.