Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
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I love this❤️😁👍
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
forgive me baja for i have blast
I try to ask my child questions instead of directly telling him things. I guess he’s picked up on it because yesterday a little voice from the back asked me “mama, what is the speed limit here?” and when I failed to take action he followed up patiently, “is 68 bigger than 65?”