Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.

I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Husband: I don’t understand

Kids: MOM MOM

H: how we are not

K: DAD DAD

H: able to get

K: MOM MOM

H: more done around the house?

Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD

H: Never mind.

her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much

me: *points at coffin* well not everyone

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

#ProTip

a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”

It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break

Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick

There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

him: I’m like the potato of people

me: lumpy

him: no, I-

me: covered in dirt

him: god dammit

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool

you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.