Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao

While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.

I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time

Agatha Christie: hold my tea

Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.

Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point

Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.

Me: that’s riddikulus lol.

Wife:

Me:

Wife:

Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.

Him: Uh… you were gone for a while.

Her: I had to reorganize your kitchen before we got intimate.

I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit

Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.

I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?

“Google Glass”

I know what glass is, Catherine.

I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube