Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
You Might Also Like
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
“I keep waking up at 2:04 every night”
— my 7YO describing what I can only assume is the beginning of our family’s real-life horror story.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
This pepper has seen some shit
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.