Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Wait a minute
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse