Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

[getting dating advice from my dad]

Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid

“Well which one is it?”

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.

*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*

OMG is bellyache a symptom?!

‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’

– idiots

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”

[calendar naming committee]

BOSS: how should we spell the second month

GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.

When my sister went into labour I was 13.
It was at 03, we shared a room. She woke me up saying, “I think I’m in labour.” I told her, “No you’re not go back to sleep.” Me, a 13 year old who knew nothing. Even her she listened . My mum was sooo pissed in the morning 💀

AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]

USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways

Cop: say the alphabet backwards

Me: the alphabet backwards

Cop: okay, you’re under arrest

Me: but you said—

Cop: I didn’t say simon says

Me: oh shit

You want a puppy? … correct me if I’m wrong, but didn’t you kill an artificial plant last year.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.