Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

PSYCHIC: I can see your future

ME: Are you really a medium?

PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*

ME: Medium. Son of a gun…

Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.

Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard

2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.

11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?

Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?

*escorted from Starbucks

I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal