Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
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two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
New Tinder profile.
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
In case you needed to hear it:
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured