Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
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5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore