Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts

ceo: what’s the name

exec: duran duran duran

ceo: that’s way too many durans

exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir

ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans

exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir

Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.

80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”

I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.

I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.

My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.

I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.

It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again

“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean

I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.

Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.

The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.

Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles

darth vader: i killed three planets

thanos: i killed half the universe

voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times

thanos: a kid, really

darth vader: wow

voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

Breaking news:

Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised

Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

October already? What’s next? November????

I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.

ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat

MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done