Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome

Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course

[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head

“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”

-Me, as a therapist

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.

I’m like an Almostradamus.

Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.

Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her

Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.

First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.