Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!

Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.

Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting

processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’

Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?

Me: The babysitter

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.

Priest: Murder, my child?

Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.

Priest: *gasp*

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice

My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.

ME *enters new password*

COMPUTER: Ok

M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?

C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind

Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.