Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Name another movie that mislead you?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.