Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I love the honesty
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.