@osoplain

Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me

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@DirtMcTurd

My thoughts today are like underwear, I don’t have any clean ones.

@jackiembouvier

Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.

@BuckyIsotope

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

@SerialFuckup

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.

@DaddyJew

Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already

@AverageCorners

I duct taped a stick to the front of the lawn mower today so I could feel like I was riding a majestic unicorn that eats grass super fast.

@Reverend_Scott

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

@Sickayduh

ME: *angrily dragging wife thru the mall* Maybe THIS jewelry store will have one.

HER: I don’t think you get what a tornado watch is.