@osoplain: Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
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@BobTheSuit: Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode. Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
@KenJennings: I bet a lot of people have tried that "See you next year!" joke at the end of December but got proven wrong by dying in a DUI.
@lakeanagirl: I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn't find her cigarette.
@Holy_Mowgli: Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.