Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

4 a.m.

9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE

daddy: mine’s just starting

Can’t, need to go and at least see this gym that I am member of.

She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.

Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!

Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.

Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup

“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”

-Me, breaking up a cat fight.

And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”

i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.

When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you