Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
