Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
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the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific