Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?

The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.

“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done

Wait…was it my left or your left?

-me as a surgeon

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?

[first day at pet store]

me: you want this boxed?

her: you can’t box a goldfish

me: [lacing up gloves] watch me

*growing up in a family of six kids*

Love you dad!

Dad:

My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.

Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.

My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.

“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?

Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy

My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries

My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!

Me: What?

13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.

Me:

13: Oh wait, that’s French.

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Requesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it

Him: What’s in the oven?

Me: Freud chicken.

Him: You mean fried.

Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.

I’m being attacked 😭

Shrek + Akira = Shakira???

How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.