You Might Also Like
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
I’m going to need a moment here.
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Seals are just dog mermaids.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess