Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Me: Maybe I’ll do something fun today
Anxiety: Sounds great, should I bring a sweater?
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.