Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
How about I get 100% off by already being there
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future