Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
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No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I thought you all should know that there’s a guy who just does VR drunk driving all day
I just want to be as happy as these people singing about diabetes medication
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Glasses
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.